Dear Arizona legislators,
I am writing to disagree with you about the recent proposal for anti-gay legislation– not because I don’t agree with you (it’s about damn time someone made sure that we only have to talk to people of heterosexual orientations), but because you haven’t taken the measure far enough in order to preserve our precious religious liberties.
We need to pass legislation to ensure that our business owners do not have to serve alcoholics. After all, why should we serve them, when the Bible clearly states that we “shouldn’t get drunk on wine, but instead, be filled with the Spirit?”
Similarly, we must also not be forced to serve overweight people. The Bible offers several verses against gluttony and we must take a stand against this perverse health condition.
We must also pass legislation to give business owners the religious freedom to not serve immigrants. God invented nation-states in Genesis 11, and we must not to violate that. Remember, the saying is “God Bless America,” not “God Bless Mexico.” Along with that, we should not be forced to serve people of different races— After all, God put the races on different continents for a reason.
Furthermore, we must not force business owners to serve women. Next thing you know, women will think they can be autonomous just like men. No. Women must stay at the home. If we let them patron restaurants without the presence of their husbands, they surely must be slacking on their homefront duties.
We also must not be forced to serve those on welfare. The Bible says that “God helps those who help themselves.” Um, hold on a minute while I find that verse. I can’t seem to find it, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there!
Moreover, we cannot be forced to serve those who have been divorced. We all know the Bible doesn’t support divorce, and we cannot be forced to interact with divorcees who might think that our interactions condone their marital departures.
It goes without saying that we cannot be forced to serve democrats, either, of course.
So there you have it. I believe the only people that are left are white, straight, males born in the Good Ol’ US of A. I hope that we can get enough patrons to support our businesses, but we must trust God on that one, brothers.
Your white, straight, Republican, married-to-a-woman male Christian brother in Christ who thinks, looks, behaves, and believes just like you.